A girl stands me up and I find out (without her knowing) that she slept with another guy instead of going out with me. What should I do?
A girl stands me up and I find out (without her knowing) that she slept with another guy instead of going out with me. She then calls me up from the guy’s apartment and lies by telling me she was working late and was very sorry. What would you guys do? What should I do?
What would we do? Our first impulse would be to never talk to her again, and there’s a very good chance we’d go with that impulse.
Is she just one of the women you are working on in your seduction empire, or is she your”one and only hope”for sex? This is important – if she’s just one of the women you are”working on,”and if she is dating lots of guys, too, it may not mean that much to you that she blew you off and did another guy. It may simply be another sign that she’s not up for anything long-term, and neither are you, so why sweat it? Get together with her again and push it, so you either get some action or she rejects you. Either way, she’s not someone you are going to want to spend a lot of time on.
On the other hand, if you are hooked on this woman, and think about her all the time, and really want her to be your girlfriend, you must act very differently. First off, let’s be clear: at the beginning of your dating any woman, she should _never_ be your”one and only hope”for sex. If a woman is your”one and only hope,”you’ll make your interactions with her more significant than they should be, you’ll put too much significance on her responses to you, and just generally end up acting weird. If she is your”one and only hope,”get rid of her _now_. You don’t need a woman who blows you off to have sex with another guy being anywhere near the center of your universe. You are better off getting through any heartbreak _now_, on a small scale, than you are letting her torture you over time.
Your sense of self-respect should be your guide in this matter. If you have other women in your system, you think you can get somewhere with this girl, and your self-respect won’t be affected by continuing to pursue her, then do so. But if she’s your only hope and pursuing her would mean basically groveling to a woman who has already shown quite a bit of contempt for you, your self-respect will be damaged by dating her and you have to leave her alone.
The problem with damaging your self-respect to pursue a woman is that it is self-reinforcing… the more your betray your own self-respect and grovel to a woman, the more likely you are to betray it again next time, and more. To make matters worse, when you violate your self-respect with a woman, it arouses her contempt for you, and she will treat you even worse. If you stay around for that, she’ll hurt you even more the next time. You’ll be left wondering why you – such a nice, understanding guy – are caught up with a woman who treats you so badly. It will all be because you sold your self-respect for sex, which is a bad deal and almost never gets you the girl.
This doesn’t mean you should be mean to her, go crazy, or do anything else that would damage your self-respect. You just have to decide where the line is, and live with it intelligently.
Above all else, you can’t let this situation be unresolved in your head. No”just hanging out”with her; you need to either find out if she’s interested in being sexual with you, fast, or get rid of her and never think about her again. Either way you _must_ be dating other women, and this woman must be a low priority for you.
Your self-respect is important, and you should never sell it out for a woman.
Best of luck!